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[Oct 13th, 11:42am] |
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I spend most of my time at school and work. When i am not there, carissa and i are off doing something fun or stupid, like getting drunk and playing go-fish, or breaking out in random song of "she'll be comin' 'round the mountain". that is my life right now. if i could ex out school and work, it would be pretty sweet.
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[Jul 21st, 6:07am] |
It is 6:08 AM. I have no clue why I am awake considering i didn't fall asleep until around 3:30 this morning. I feel surprisingly untired, if that is even a word. It is now. This will be the first day I see a glimpse of the sunrise I have missed many days, many years. Pretty pumped. Granted this will all come back and kick me in the ass by work time and I may be incredibly and unrealistically tired, I am fine now. And now is all that matters, right? This week has been... a week that I cannot even describe. I feel a bit more free. I feel like that part in Garden State when they're standing on the top of that truck or whatever, rain pouring down and they all start screaming. It is a nice feeling. Crap. I am getting tired now. Midway through what I thought might have been a semi-long entry. i miss livejournal. It is not used as much anymore. I lurk around here like a big creepy even though I do not post much. I try to get on everyday to read what you have posted, just to keep updated on everyone.
Anywho, I hope everyone is doing okay. I miss every single one of you.
Carissa and Jamie. LETS PLEASE HAVE A TIKI PARTY WITH COOL THINGS IN THE YARD AND "OH SORRY TREE".
That is all.
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[Jul 7th, 1:42am] |
i don't ask for much; not a goddamn thing, really. time is essential and is all i ever request of anyone. i do not feel included. i do not feel important. i don't feel like i am getting anything i deserve. i am not the greatest person, but i am not too shabby of one either. and regardless of whether one loves another or not, is it not pertinent to show it outwardly?
i don't need diamonds or jewels. i just want to feel loved and important.
is it too much to ask?
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[Jun 2nd, 10:29am] |
So, I do not know where to begin. I have finished my third year of college and I am still working at Kroger. Two years. I am working just about 40 hours a week and I feel like I am wasting my summer there. I really want to do things with my summer. Road trips, bonfires, concerts, festivals, the park, the lake, kings island, sidewalk chalk, camp-outs, cedar point, Myrtle beach, CRUISE, natural bridge jflkdsjalkfs. So many things I want to do and really no time to do it. I want to make the most out of my summer. School has really burnt me out.
I decided to major in Social Work and I believe I really do have a knack for it... but I do not know if it is my true passion or not. I guess I am still trying to "find myself" in a sense (well, at least as far as career goes).
I am still with Tyler. We have been together a little over two years now. Despite some things, I am really happy and really happy with him.
Lynzie and I are no longer friends. I am pretty upset about it, but I did all I could.
Buuuut,
Carissa and I are hanging out again and I LOVE it. I have missed her a lot. =)
well, that's it.
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[Feb 16th, 10:52pm] |
i feel sublimely real, and happy for the time being.
but do one of you fucking even give two shits?
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[Feb 2nd, 11:32pm] |
i want to feel alive.
i don't know what is wrong with me, i am just not happy anymore.
i cannot figure it out.
everything is routine, and mundane.
nothing seems valid.
i don't feel important, or loved.
nothing i am doing right now seems like it matters.
what is wrong with me?
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[Jan 7th, 8:42pm] |
ATTN: GIRLS.
CARISSA, KELE, JAMIE, ASHLEY F. !
I have been looking at pictures, reading live journals, and thinking about each of you. It has been an eternity since we have gotten together and hung out. I think it is about time, and i think each of us probably need the other right now.
So, please? Let's think of a day and get together, have a movie night, eat some sour patch kids and make fun of people?
i miss you all.
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[Jan 7th, 1:23pm] |
For those of you who haven't already heard, we had to put Bailey to sleep Saturday. He had a really severe brain tumor that was making him really sick. The night before we put him to sleep, he had repeat seizures all night long, lost his vision and hearing and was really disoriented. I really can't remember being this sad in a long time. He was a part of our family, and it is harder and harder to walk through the door knowing he wont be there slobbering all over everything. He was the best dog. He didn't deserve to be so sick. It would have cost over $15,000 to take him to a surgeon to take care of the tumor; the kind of money we didn't have. It was only a fifty/fifty chance of taking care of it, but he deserved the chance had it been possible.
We are having him cremated only because the other option is horribly disgusting, degrading, and hard to even think about. They were going to take Bailey, among other dogs, to a mass burial. When we asked where they would be buried, the answer was revolting. They were going to throw him in the landfill. They were going to throw our family in the garbage. It's sick.
We didn't want to burn his body up, but we didn't want him to be so degraded. We want to bring him home, so that is the option we chose.
R.I.P, Bailey.
For those of you who think this is silly, you obviously either hate animals or have never had a pet become part of your family after years and years of ownership. We loved Bailey, and he WAS our family.
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[Dec 11th, 11:00pm] |
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i am very unstable.
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[Nov 26th, 11:56pm] |
i want to watch across the universe right now.
it would be suiting.
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[Nov 19th, 10:10pm] |
=D .
i don't know why, but i feel pretty dang okay right now.
plus, i have almost been alive 21 years. birthday tomorrow.
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[Jul 26th, 11:17pm] |
It may seem as though my life is not amounting to much at the moment... but seriously, I am in no hurry to grow up.
I think I may be going to school in Corbin for the upcoming semester unless I can find a way to make a crapload of money, be able to afford an apartment and/or drive back and forth from London to Richmond. Honestly, I want to go back but I don't intend on killing myself this semester.
I miss my sister so bad that sometimes I spontaneously start crying.. no warning, just on a whim. I am going to try to go visit her in the next couple weeks. Hopefully.
For the record, I have to say that my boyfriend is amazing. He is very good to me, it is unlike anything I have ever experienced in a relationship before. I appreciate him. I still sometimes feel like i am not entirely myself around him, though it is increasingly getting better by the day. I love him more than I could ever adequately describe.
I really don't know what else to day. I wish I could say my life is as exciting and eventful as it used to be, but, really, who am I kidding? I don't do much else but work. I want to do something exciting. Any ideas? HMMM?
whatever.
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[May 31st, 8:18pm] |
i seriously fucking hate this sometimes.
i don't know what to say.
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[Apr 19th, 1:54am] |
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maybe im not as happy as i thought.
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[Apr 15th, 3:26pm] |
Things are going pretty good, I guess. I'm not as sublimely happy as I was not too long ago, but things just don't feel the same, especially at home. My sister has finally moved out, and I am overwhelmed with emotion. I'm not happy for her, like I should be. She isn't happy with herself and until that happens, I'm at a loss. I'm mad at her, because she moved while the rest of the family was in Florida, and didn't tell anyone until after she moved out. She has hurt my mom and dad so much. I can barely look at my mom, who is drowning in this sadness that I can't even readily describe. It hurts. I can feel tears building up behind my glasses... it's pretty bad if I can't even sit here and type about it without getting emotional. I'm sad, because I have never missed anyone this much. We're not as close, and sometimes it feels like she would as soon have nothing to do with me. I can't explain it, but it's a void nonetheless.
I'm still with Tyler. At first it seemed so awkward, more or less because we are so different as far as personality goes. He is a calm natured person...and I, well, I'm an anxiety filled box of nuts. But it's working out pretty good thus far, so no complaints. I love him.
School sucks. I'm so burnt out. I'm not doing so hot either. I've never been below a B student, and actually rarely got below an A. I have never seen so many C's D's and F's in my life. Tests, quizzes, midterms...whatever. It sucks. I don't know what I want to do with my life, but I really wish I would figure it out soon... maybe then I would enjoy putting all of this money and effort into school, and might even feel rewarded. Who knows.
That's pretty much it. I don't do much anymore. School, work, yadda yadda.
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[Dec 4th, 9:46pm] |
Well, my life is not in shambles as I had expected it would be. Actually, things are going quite alright. I'm still happy with where I'm at. I might have even made a descision about what I want to do with my life. I'm still fumbling around with ideas, but at least the choice seems to be getting closer. It has to... since I am almost finished with my gen-ED requirements.
I guess that's about it. Nothing major or exciting is going on in my life. Pretty static as of now.
Take care.
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[Aug 5th, 3:32pm] |
This feeling of surreality has not yet lifted. Though things have happened this summer that have made my brain go into a relapse of convulsions, I've had amazing people and times to help heal the hurt. It doesn't make me forget about Booker-hell, I have Chris on my mind everyday and that was six months ago- these people are quick to fill any void, mend any crack, and turn me in the right direction again. It's not a constant throbbing of pain anymore. I can breathe again. I can feel again.
And it's not just friends. I mean, I am a lucky girl. I have an amazing group right at home. My sister is one of my very best friends in the world and she has helped me out a lot. I am happy, at least for now.
I know this may not seem eloquent but I didn't really sit down and think it out. My fingers are doing the talking, and this is what is coming out. I'm happier now than I've been in a while, with the exception of the people that I am constantly missing (ahem, Carissa Helton... you're up there on the list).
Well anyway, rambling isn't making my point any clearer.
I'm happy, I love people, I miss people,
Adios.
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[May 20th, 5:45pm] |
I don't have any sense of urgency to write at the moment, but I do want to document this feeling of security. I am content with the way my life is going at the moment. Granted it could change at any given time, but here's the ups:
+ true friends
+ a wonderful family
+ summer
+ hiking
+ new people
+ nature
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[Mar 6th, 6:07am] |
still up. 6:09 a.m.
never take nodoz. my world is spinning.
test in three hours. then again in two more.
school is kicking my butt.
i wish i could turn back time and erase the mess my life has become.
i wish i didn't have to wish that.
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[Feb 24th, 11:06am] |
i cant even think straight.
im empty.
im numb.
at least i wish i was.
maybe this wouldnt hurt so bad.
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